Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Thank God for Thunderstorms

That it is why God is so amazing.

Today I was walking through a valley and I wanted to cry and emote but the tears would not come. I could just feel them moving around inside of me.

I left work and went to the gym and a little less than two hours later I walked out and it had begun to drizzle. I got on the train and traveled through several underground stations. When the train left the final tunnel and we emerged in the night it was a full storm outside. Thunder and lightning. Wind and rain.

I couldn’t control my laughter. I smiled at the sky and at the God inside of me. I knew it was a blessing. For a few minutes I stood at the station waiting for the rain to calm a little. It toned down just a tad. And so I began walking home in the thunderstorm. I was getting soaked and it was wonderful.

As I walked I thanked God out loud for this storm. Once again, what I couldn’t do for myself – God did for me. The wonderful part about all the rain in the storms is that it cleanses the Earth and moves old things and debris away. The thunder and lightning are magnificent displays of power and beauty, force. The thunder roars, I am here. The lightning signals, I am the light.

I couldn’t cry today so God cried for me. He released the rain, the wind, the thunder and the lightning for me. The emotions I was feeling on the inside. He brought them out.

After the rain, the clouds go away. There are rainbows and sunshine. There is fresh air. There is a cleansed Earth and bodies. We are renewed.

All the way home, I praised God and prayed to God. Right now I feel like I’m going through a little storm but – this I know is true. When the storm is over, when the rain ceases, when the clouds roll away, when the lightning stops flashing – I and this Earth will be anew.

The Awakening

What surprises me is that I don’t remember the exact date or what I was wearing. I usually remember details like that about important events in my life. However, of that day, that moment, that experience in my life I mostly just remember how I felt. At first I was just so very tired, and my body was just so very heavy. With each step that I took, it was like I was carrying a thousand pounds of pain on my shoulders. When I reached the bedroom there was a shift and I was light as a feather. The weight of me, under me and over me disappeared and I fell to the bed effortlessly. Still. I lay still. I lay still, body motionless.

Then there was a tear. A single tear that unleashed and lest loose everything within the gates of my soul and spirit. A sound. A gasp for air. A sound and gasp for air that released what must have been all my years of pain. Nothing could stop the flood of tears. Nothing could quiet the sounds.

To my bedside came my mother. She lifted my limp body up into her arms and held me so close she could feel my heart beating as if I were once again a baby in her bosom. She rocked me back and forth, she rubbed my back. I could do nothing more but cry and moan. When I finally stopped crying she laid my body down on the bed and I went to sleep.

I have yet to wake. And there are times like today that I pray that there were arms that I could rest in like I did that day. So that I may cry and moan, so that I may be rocked to sleep. For in that, there would also be an awakening.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Thank You

The past few days, people have given me gifts. They have all come as a surprise and I am truly grateful for them. What a lot of people don’t know about me is that not only am I genuinely surprised when people give me gifts – but often times I am embarrassed by them and question how worthy I am of them. I have a tendency to think I should give more of myself.

Last night after being surprised with another early birthday gift I was completely overwhelmed, not only by the fact that someone had given me a gift, but because they were so thoughtful in choosing it. It was actually something I’d been thinking about buying for myself and hadn’t gotten around to it yet. It wasn’t on my priority list but I thought that it would simply be nice. And there, my friend and his boyfriend had bought it for me.

I didn’t know what to say other than thank you and I didn’t know what to do other than hug them. As I walked to the train heading home I was very quiet. When I got to the train station I asked God how on Earth could I say thank you. Thank you to the friends who just gave me gifts this week. Thank you to all the people who over the past year and simply in this lifetime had given me gifts, big or small, tangible or intangible. I just didn’t know how to say thank you – for everything. I didn’t know what I could give them in return.

It was in that same silence as I sat on the concrete bench that God spoke to me. He said so gently, “give back.” And so it is. That is how I say thank you. I continue to give hugs, kisses, encouraging words, helping hands, a shoulder to lean on, a chest to lay your head, an ear to listen, a voice to speak my truth so that others may connect, learn and be set free. That is how I say thank you.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Going to Be

For the last several days I have contemplated the intriguing evaluation language made famous by the Obama family, challenging us to look at the world as it is and then as it should be. I am three weeks, 21 days away from my next birthday. I am counting down the days until the big countdown begins. In 21 days I will be 29 and 12 months later, Lord willing and the creek don’t rise, I will be 30. In this moment in my life I am turning the Obama lens on myself. I am looking at myself as I am and simultaneously wondering about my future, myself as I should and I want to be.

It has taken me years to cross the hurdle of really knowing and understanding who I am and in the vague sense of adjectives and descriptions I have come to some conclusions about who I should and want to be. Now if I could just figure out how to get there. The life I’ve lived thus far has been just as much about time as it has been about preparation. I’ve been prepared to move to the next levels and phases at just the right time when opportunities have presented themselves for that movement.

Three weeks from the start of the countdown to my next numeric milestone I have questions about me and where and how I'm going there in this universe. Tonight I’ll pray about it before I go to bed. My life as it is and my life as it should be and making it happen.