Monday, July 26, 2010

My Familiar

Yesterday I called a friend that I hadn’t spoken to in months. There was no particular reason that we hadn’t spoken. There had been no discord. We just had not picked up the phone to dial each other. Yesterday, I was so happy that I did. It was like sweet music hearing his voice. Our laughter was like a blanket I could wrap myself in. I was reminded how I loved him. How we have loved each other through all sorts of times and shared all sorts of memories and growing pains. It was slipping gently into the comfort of the familiar.

In this, my thirtieth year, I believe I have become more familiar with myself. It is both a grand and scary thing. I embrace it. I embrace what the past ten months have shown me, taught me, reinforced in me and even challenged me to say and do. And to think, there are still 2 months left before my next birthday.

I started to grow afraid of turning 30. In the weeks leading up to it I was so reflective. I thought about all the things that I knew I’d done right but probably spent more time on the things that I thought I may have done wrong. I knew 30 was a milestone. It just wasn’t the dawn of another decade it was the door opening on true adulthood. I could no longer toss around a twenty anything. I didn’t know what was going to be on the other side.

But glory. I now tell people that it was perhaps the best thing to ever happen to me. I believe I see things much clearer on this side, even the things I don’t want to see. I see them with much more clarity. That includes the things in me I need to work on or just let go.

My father called me for the first time in 30 years, I became the Godfather to a beautiful baby girl, I removed myself from the life of someone who I once counted as one of my closest friends, I’ve said yes and no and I continue to become more familiar with myself. I also now find more appreciation than I ever did before in the love of those who are most familiar and in the back of my mind fear that I will not find a man to familiarize myself in 30 more years.

But glory.