Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Rhythm and Revelations

Life is about moments. Many of its most significant moments do not come at times that one can plan or predict. Some of life’s most precious moments are moments of surprising discovery and revelation.

Tonight I experienced one of those unexpected moments. While reclaiming my life, lights off, candle lit and beats of house music pumping through my personal sanctuary the spirit of exhaling and letting go took over me. In a single moment as the beats grew louder and louder and the tempo picked up its pace I simply stopped moving. I stood still. Rhythms so common to me in my space when no one is looking spoke to me in a new way. They turned my attention to a connection I’d never made.

This man, The Wiz who I work day by day to build and understand a relationship with and this young man, me ClayStarr have already met in another time, in another place. I had written about him, even named him years ago. Seven years later, this character I placed on paper has now been placed in my life.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

In the middle of the night...

I thought that I was going to bed. I thought that if I closed my eyes I would just go to sleep. I thought that it would be a rest like any other rest. All my thoughts were wrong and I am hurting. I did not expect to hurt. I did not expect to feel any pain but in the middle of the night when I thought I would be sleeping it hit me. It hit my heart and I am in pain and tears are swelling up inside of me but just like any other day I am fighting them off. I have given him so much. I will not also give him my tears. Even if he deserves them to them I must hold on. I am hurting and I did not want to hurt. There is this feeling moving through my body. There are these questions moving through my mind. Of all the things I have to offer, time and time again they want all of those things with the exception of one. They want it all, they will take all that I have. But when I offer that very special piece they all decline. What a foolish man am I. What a crazy and sometimes I feel unfair world is this. It leaves me in pain in the middle of the night. Alone.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Fight, Flight or Films

Since last Wednesday I have been longing to go to the cinema. There is nothing playing of note and no favorite actor or actress of mine is starring in anything. I just want to go to the movies. It is there that I am often transported to another place for at least an hour. I am far away from reality, my reality. I am far away from anything that wants of me. I am lost in the tragedies, triumphs and lives of others. I have no attachment to them and they seek nothing from me. I am allowed to be in a movie theater, in a whole new world where I don’t have to contemplate my struggles and stresses.

Lately, I am more stressed out than usual. My plate is full and in every direction and everyone thinks that their priority is my priority. Day and night for almost a week my head has been throbbing. Even when I lay down at night it is hard to fall asleep because my mind is racing. When I wake it starts where it left off.

Parts of my job are agitating me, aspects of the role of head sorcerer for Black Magic have pushed me to all sorts of mental and physical limits and I am overwhelmed with concerns about my heart. All I want is The Wiz and I am unsure if he wants me.

All these things disappear in the dark when I am able to escape to a stadium seat. If I can’t get away from my life, I have to find a movie theater soon.