Thursday, October 12, 2006

Too Beautiful for Words

Today was a very good day. I admit that this morning I was on my way to feeling down but the joy of life wouldn’t allow me to. Then tonight on my way home from having dinner and drinks with friends I saw Beauty. I hadn’t seen Beauty in ages but I have been seeing him for years.

I remember the first time I saw Beauty. It was in October or November of 2003 and he was sitting at the bus stop down the street from my apartment building. I was taken aback when he spoke to me. From his outward appearance one wouldn’t immediately suspect that he would lend his friendship to me so easily if at all. Aside from being a little rough around the edges and definitely from around the way – he was beautiful. We only talked for a little bit during our initial meeting. I gave him my phone number. He said he would call and quite some time went by before we saw each other again. He never called.

Since that first encounter he and I have crossed paths once or twice a year. I hadn’t seen him since last November before I saw him tonight.

At first I wasn’t sure if that was him that I saw from across the street. I saw his silhouette that was oh so familiar. I wanted it to be him and as I subtly threw my energy his way he recognized me. I’d gotten what I wanted – his attention for the moment.

His voice called out for me and I continued walking. He started walking behind me. When he was closer I began to talk. I always like talking to Beauty. He is an interesting but not so much a unique man. His life story touches my heart. I am always tempted to – and sometimes I do – touch him. A black man with a story. We all have stories. So comely is my heart I still wish to listen to them. Tonight in his story I drew parallels to the Wiz. He is also beautiful.

But Beauty, he hasn’t quite gotten a handle on maintaining and enhancing his true beauty. I hope he does one day. I made him promise me that he would call. Ironically, he was disappointed in himself tonight for breaking a promise to someone else. Yet, I still made him promise me. As I reflect, I understand I asked him to make that promise to me for me not so much as I wanted him to make it for himself. I don’t know him well at all but I care for him. I hope that one day he can learn to care for himself completely.

He really is beautiful. I want him to know that.

Monday, October 09, 2006

..and the Glory be to God.

Had I never met him, had I never known him, I do not know if or when I would have ever loved so deeply. Tonight I realize how thankful that I am for the opportunity, perhaps of a lifetime, to get to know the Wiz.

Had I never met him I don’t know that I would have learned so much about life, or love, or even about myself. For the first time tonight I closed my eyes and told the Creator thank you for bringing the Wiz into my life. For the first time tonight it clicked for me. I was overwhelmed with emotion. I stuttered. My lips trembled and I told the Wiz himself. I told him that I was thankful to him and for him.

I learned so much about love. I know today that I have been in love. I love the Wiz so deeply and I know that I love him because I know that I have to let him go. Real love.

He is phine. He is beautiful. He is a gorgeous man. At first glance. But I know him and I know that his outer beauty is only an exterior barrier. On the inside he is bruised, beaten, scarred and tight, tied in knots. His pain is on the inside. I have been in there and I have seen it with my own eyes.

As I write this, I hurt. I hurt because I know that although he is trying to heal himself that he still hurts in places that I can't imagine and I don’t want him to hurt any longer. I want him to be completely whole, healthy, happy and well. These things I want for him so badly. I see him. I see a man that I just want to be lifted up.

Tonight I lifted him up in my petitions. I stood on the corner, outside a church, next to a tree, in the dark and stopped in my tracks and prayed his spirit be protected and his life transformed. And this, I did not do alone. I knew I couldn’t do this one alone and I had to call another true believer. She believes in God and she believes in me. She has seen hurt men before and I was hoping that she would believe in my friend too. I was afraid because I had never asked her for anything like this before but she said she would and we prayed. I prayed. My mother prayed. I lifted my voice so that Jesus would lift. She elevated him in her prayer so that God, the Father, the Creator, the Holy Ghost would elevate him too. Take him to another level. Take him higher. Take him to where he is meant to be and Lord, please, please Lord, keep him on his journey.

I love him so deeply that I must let go and let God.

Months have past and even some of my dearest friends have told me to move on, they have asked why do I remain his friend. I realize now the answer. Because it ain’t all about me and what I want and what I need and what I desire and because there are days when I pray and I ask God to continue to use me as a vessel to show others his love. That is why. And even the Wiz needs someone to love him. Not as a lover but as a friend.

He has helped me to grow in ways that others have not. He has challenged me to challenge myself. To him I have given much. Much in a different way he has also given to me. I can see for myself. And my God, I can also see that which I believe so few others have ever seen and that is him. God bless him on his journey. Come what may.

God bless me.

Now, I have felt it on my own skin.

And let the voice at the beginning and the end say to God be the glory.