Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Be. Beyond. Believe. Be.

In a word I was captivated. The conversation was easy. His manner was steady. My desire to glance at him and into his eyes was not fire but warmth. This was not all laid out in my plan. But for him as I sat next to him engaged in his past, present and future tense I would be willing to perhaps lay it all out on the line.

When I invited him over I was unsure of two things. First, if I truly wanted his company. Second if there was something deep down inside of me that also wanted him. Before the night, which led to the early morning was overI knew that for one I did myself a great service and received a great pleasure by enjoying his company for the evening. I also knew I wanted to see him again. The next time I wanted to touch him more. I wanted to hear and listen to him more. I wanted to look at him more. Simply, I wanted more. Throughout the night he spoke of his insatiable thirst for the world and my tongue lay wet on my palette thirsty for the taste of him. Or so it seems to be to me.

I am his elder and for me that is quite unusual. Nearly always, with the exception of once or twice, the man in the window of my gaze is much older or just a hair above my age. He is not the usual and for that I am intrigued, curious and frankly open. I am open to the possibility of would could and could not be. I am open to the what if and what will be. My heart just as tender as his youth.

We have hugged and told each other good night. I closed the door to my apartment and now wonder should I open the door to something invaluable, my heart. I want to this I know. Should I – there lies the uncertainty.

Voices in my head are speaking to me. Overwhelming are those that say one day at a time. Loud is the chant of the Two Spirited chorus who sings to me the word go. Hard is the tone of a friend’s voice that speaks the truth of introduction. He informs me to be sure in the establishment of each relationship you espouse who you are and what you want to be. Yet scrolling against all that is the chorus of who is he and what is he to you.

This may be a time. This may be a step. While I listened to him I heard what he needed. I heard what he desired. I also wondered if I could be both of those things wrapped up in one. I very well could be what he wants me to be and he to I. In order for me to pursue that I must also then decide. Ultimately, I will be no longer allowing myself to be placed in one category when I am and wish to be beyond all boxes.

Be. Beyond. Believe. Be.