Friday, November 19, 2010

Nights Like This

I am a delicate balance. I often wonder was this predestined for me because of my birth sign, the Libra. I am a creature constantly in search of balance in my life. It is an ongoing struggle at times but I knowingly and unconsciously seek for it in every aspect. I believe it is what makes my narrative so interesting. A coalescing of two sometimes far extremes, from my deepest passion for the performing arts, sweeping prose and harmonic poetry to love of hard hits on the football field and aggressive and swift game of basketball games. I wear ascots and drink cocktails while craving greasy chicken dinners and sweet tea from establishments loosely referred to as carry out restaurants. There are no linen napkins or white tablecloths there. But I love it all and my quest to find just enough of both seizes me.

It is the same with me and my relation to people, some of whom I love dearly. My innate desire to pull them close and keep them at arms length all once. Its been an interesting week. I was ready for it to end. I’ve felt happiness, confused, optimistic, lonely and loved all in the past few days. So here tonight I sit alone resting my body, gathering my thoughts and centering myself. And even here I wish for something else.

To be with someone and simultaneously left alone. Perhaps the advanced thought is that I wish for the presence of someone who I knew cared and wanted understand how I feel but would love me and respect me enough to own my feelings and be simple present with me. I have been by choice and default very independent and I don’t know that at this juncture that I want someone who says that they will climb my mountains for me but at least with me.

I want us to do it together.

I want him to say ‘we will make it through this season.’

But he is not here, just me, and I guess the middle, or the balance struck is the usual in this case. I’ll press on with myself. I’ll still count it all joy.