Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Path to Peace

I read somewhere once that if you walk closer to God that he would walk closer to you. And after weeks of internal restlessness I have taken the right path and already I feel it.

Sunday night my mind stopped racing as fast as it had been. Something in my spirit began to settle. I felt myself returning to myself. I moved to my living room floor. In darkness I found light sitting there, at first alone, later with the spirit of the most high surely surrounding.

I prayed and meditated. What had become a daily routine had not been for the last couple of weeks. So busy coming and going, I had not taken the proper steps to nurture my spirit.

As I sat there confusion began to leave me while peace entered. Still. Quiet. Ease. I was returning to my center and every since that moment all the thoughts and things that had in any way troubled me the last few weeks have come to a calm. I have let them go. And a spirit greater than me has taken them.

Amazing, what it means to walk on the path to peace.

Sunday, November 11, 2007


He did not appear at 2:15PM. Instead he called me at 11:00PM. At 11:45PM here I sit calling out to God on his behalf. I pray that he will be lifted up. I pray that he will seek the treatment that he needs. I pray that he will return to his family. I pray that the next time I hear from him again is months from now and then he sounds much better.

This is my prayer, oh Lord.

He was hours late but I pray that he will be delivered in time.


His fingers looked like he had been kneading tar. They were dark with dirt and residue of something that I couldn’t identify. He looked bad, but most crack addicts do. Beauty is no exception. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look as bad as he did when I last saw him.

He called me earlier today to tell me that he’d finally called home. I was happy about that because the last time we spoke he said that he would never call his family again.

Too bad when he called his mother today he learned that his father had a stroke and is in the hospital. He said that messed with his mind even more. He acknowledged that still didn’t justify him going to get high. Tonight he told me all the things crack addicts tell themselves and others.

He said that this was the end for him.

He said that he was at the bottom.

He said that he knew he was better than what he had become.

While I agree that he was better than what he has come, I don’t know that this is the end for him or that he has reached bottom. I can only pray that this time it is true, that he will put the drugs and the alcohol down and never pick them up again. I can pray that he turn on the inside, turn to God, turn wherever he needs to – anywhere other than the demons that feel good getting you high but in the end leave you in a life so low.

I don’t know why when he called me tonight I answered the phone. I don’t know why I ever answer the phone when he calls. There is something that I see in him.

Yesterday he got his check from doing labor all week. He vowed that he wouldn’t spend it on the wrong thing. He cashed his check. He went to the barbershop and then got two beers. It all went down hill from there. All the money he had on Friday afternoon is now gone. It only took a one night and one day. He is sleeping in an abandon building tonight. I asked was he finding a way to keep himself warm. He told me he was.

All I can do is pray for him. Maybe that’s why I answer the phone when he calls. I think that in some way because he has another person to talk to I could be the answer to one of his prayers. As we ended our conversation I invited him to a meeting. Beauty accepted the invitation. I told him to stand in front of my building at 2:15pm and we could walk there together.

He said that this was the end for him.

He said that he was at the bottom.

He said that he knew he was better than what he had become.

In a few hours I’ll find out.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Comes To Me

While lying in my bed last night I searched for sleep but could not find it. Before I knew it morning had come and I was up and off to have my monthly breakfast with The Dean. Our meal is always filling and the conversation without fail always leaves me fulfilled. This morning was no different. What was different though was that he spoke a truth that often goes unspoken.
The classic line we feed ourselves and our friends when relationships seem to be going in the opposite direction of which we wish for them to travel or one when one cannot successfully navigate their way to finding a mate is “its not you, its them.” This morning The Dean, good friend that he is said, “it s not them, it is you.” This very notion is what permeated my thoughts throughout the night and kept me from falling asleep. Now here the thought was manifest in the mouth of The Dean.

I have been exploring my failed relationships most romantic, some of pure kinship, and pursuits of them the past few days. In this time of reflection I have begun to examine the men the Universe has called forth in my life and the reason why.

Tides of possibility have ushered to my shores men who were incomplete and broken; The Wiz, the Biz, Prince Charming, the Masseuse, Dominican Tigre, Beauty and most recently Cocoa Conservative. With each of them there was some gapping piece that was missing. In each of them I saw that the gap could be covered and made whole. There is something special that I see or saw in each of them. That something helped lure me to them and desire to hold on to this connection to them, touch it, mold it, understand it and not let go.

It is apparent that they too acknowledged our connection and most certainly my desire to nurture it. They sensed my innate yearning to help and to help heal. They all wanted a healing. Each time I wanted to be the one to shepherd them through it. Each time I did my best. And each time a healing was performed he left whole. He had gotten what he had come for. I, the shaman would be left alone. Hands tired. Soul exhausted. Needing to replenish myself. Hopeful that perhaps the next well man would stay with his caretaker, to take care of me.

So to acknowledge, not judge, what has come to pass so many times before, I must delve deeper and stop asking why these men are attracted to me. They are not whole and use me to help them. The transformational question is now why am I attracted to them. I must ask why I consciously or subconsciously work with the Universe to bring these men to me. Do I have a burning need to be the fixer? Do I ultimately seek to have a power over them? A fictional power that I assert because of what I helped him through. Is it that I take glory in my work and in healing others feel healed, maybe even falsely myself.

I told The Dean this morning that what might be best moving forward is if I just tried to stop picking for myself. But even then, unless some action is taken, something when my thoughts and behaviors were changed, that probably wouldn’t stop them from picking me. There is something about me that must also be healed, transformed and changed. I would draw other men and spirits then closer to me.