I want to know...

I want to know his scent.

I want to know what his kisses taste like.

I want to know how it feels to fall asleep holding him or while he holds me.

I want to know he looks like when he first wakes up in the morning.

I want to know what it sounds like to hear him say the words I love you.

I want to know what it is like to truly know him.

I want to know when this man, wherever he may be, will reveal himself to me.

Seriously?

Yesterday morning on my way to work I was approached by an older man. He was probably in his mid to late fifties. He greeted me and I replied. He continued walking several steps ahead of me and then stopped just a few feet from the entrance to my office building. As I got closer to him and the door he asked me what I was doing later on in the evening. I told him ‘nothing.’ He responded, “You want some of this?” while holding up his cell phone so that I could see the screen. It was a picture of his erect penis. ..Seriously.

After a week of eating soup, vegetables and fruits I was excited about getting in the gym this afternoon. I’d gone Monday and Tuesday as well. I figured this would be a great way to cap off the week of good eating and exercise. I ran 5 miles on the treadmill. I did some work on my arms and stomach. Nothing was going to satisfy me more after my workout than some nice quiet time in the sauna and a good shower. I sat in the sauna alone with my eyes closed for several minutes before a young guy came in. He wasn’t bad on the eye either. Anyway, he sat across from me and unwrapped from a towel an ipod and earphones. I figured he would use them. He did. Only thing was that his music was so loud that I could still hear it even though he was wearing headphones. It was the oddest mix of songs too. All slow love songs. I wasn’t sure if he was trying seduce me or sedate me. ..Seriously.

I called Chocolate Chip Cookie tonight to see how he was doing. He had been sick earlier this week and I just wanted to say hello and check in. I enjoy communicating with him via text, instant messenger and in person I think our interactions are really great but on the phone it always seems a bit odd. For the past few weeks I’d been trying to place his voice and speaking pattern. When we were on the phone tonight it came to me. He sounds like and his phone demeanor reminds me a lot of The Professional. That freaks me out slightly but not as much as the fact that I think I am a bit more interested in seeing where things go than he is. I’m starting to think my Chocolate Chip Cookie idea is half baked. ..Seriously.

The long weekend is officially here for all of us that work for the government. Wonderful. I decided that I’d step out to the local watering hole to see and be seen. Well, that wasn’t as fun as I’d hoped it would be. I have chosen February as the month that I won’t drink alcohol or wine this year. I realized how much I needed alcohol to not be in that environment but to tolerate that environment. It was a slow and not so cute night at the not-so-okay corral. ..Seriously.

Yet overall, it was a pretty good Friday. Seriously.

Not Another Day at the Office

For the last 13 months I have held the same job, walked in the same building, sat at the same cubicle in the same office suite. In those 13 months some things in the suite as well as some of the people in the suite have changed yet one thing and one person has always been consistent. There is a coworker who has chosen for the past 13 months not to engage me in conversation, not even simple greetings, and at times not even make eye contact with me if it could be avoided.

When I first started working in The Kingdom I put my best foot forward to fit in with the office and create positive working relationships. He showed no direct interest and to my understanding expressed to others that he had none. I respected that.

I have lived every aspect of my life as an out gay man since college and I in this journey I have come to understand that not everyone is okay with that and that, is most certainly okay with me. I have also grown not only to understand but appreciate those who may have an issue with homosexuality and homosexuals and not allow it to become reason nor ammunition to disrespect me – which is still different from respect.

Nevertheless, I had resigned that this colleague and I have not spoken any words to each other since my first month on the job. He does his job and I do my job. But a funny thing happened on the way to the train this evening after work.

I packed my bag, put on my coat and scarf and headed out the suite door. I went down the hall and the one who has had no words came from the opposite end of the hallway and in passing he said “Have a good evening.” Without missing a beat I told him to do the same. As I got closer to the elevators I heard him call my name. I turned around and he walked over to me.

He apologized. I listened.

He explained that I had never done anything to him and that he didn’t have any real reason to ever not speak to me and that it was in his own words, stupid for him to have been acting how he had. He said that he noticed my interactions with others in the suite and felt that he had been missing out on having a friendly work relationship with a good guy because he was being ignorant.

I told him that I am glad that we could start all over again.

Taking a Chance on Chocolate

I went to dinner with Chocolate Chip tonight and at some point I wanted to remove the table that was separating us from each other and hug him and cry. I think I like his soul. I felt a true connection with him.

He is beautiful. This evening at dinner I realized that for the first time in my adult life that I have met a man and chosen to also let him meet me from the beginning. I am revealing to him the real me, the authentic and wonderful me, not a public persona but my true personage. It is both exciting and scary for me. It is a risk.

A little wiser, with a better understanding of life, I know that without taking this risk with Chocolate Chip I wouldn’t ever know if our new relationship can become a solid friendship, anything more or anything less.

Tonight Chocolate Chip mentioned that he wanted to do something adventurous. He said he wanted to go on a journey and see where it takes him. Actually, I see this relationship with Chocolate Chip as the very thing he said he wanted for himself for me, an adventure.