While lying in my bed last night I searched for sleep but could not find it. Before I knew it morning had come and I was up and off to have my monthly breakfast with The Dean. Our meal is always filling and the conversation without fail always leaves me fulfilled. This morning was no different. What was different though was that he spoke a truth that often goes unspoken.
The classic line we feed ourselves and our friends when relationships seem to be going in the opposite direction of which we wish for them to travel or one when one cannot successfully navigate their way to finding a mate is “its not you, its them.” This morning The Dean, good friend that he is said, “it s not them, it is you.” This very notion is what permeated my thoughts throughout the night and kept me from falling asleep. Now here the thought was manifest in the mouth of The Dean.
I have been exploring my failed relationships most romantic, some of pure kinship, and pursuits of them the past few days. In this time of reflection I have begun to examine the men the Universe has called forth in my life and the reason why.
Tides of possibility have ushered to my shores men who were incomplete and broken; The Wiz, the Biz, Prince Charming, the Masseuse, Dominican Tigre, Beauty and most recently Cocoa Conservative. With each of them there was some gapping piece that was missing. In each of them I saw that the gap could be covered and made whole. There is something special that I see or saw in each of them. That something helped lure me to them and desire to hold on to this connection to them, touch it, mold it, understand it and not let go.
It is apparent that they too acknowledged our connection and most certainly my desire to nurture it. They sensed my innate yearning to help and to help heal. They all wanted a healing. Each time I wanted to be the one to shepherd them through it. Each time I did my best. And each time a healing was performed he left whole. He had gotten what he had come for. I, the shaman would be left alone. Hands tired. Soul exhausted. Needing to replenish myself. Hopeful that perhaps the next well man would stay with his caretaker, to take care of me.
So to acknowledge, not judge, what has come to pass so many times before, I must delve deeper and stop asking why these men are attracted to me. They are not whole and use me to help them. The transformational question is now why am I attracted to them. I must ask why I consciously or subconsciously work with the Universe to bring these men to me. Do I have a burning need to be the fixer? Do I ultimately seek to have a power over them? A fictional power that I assert because of what I helped him through. Is it that I take glory in my work and in healing others feel healed, maybe even falsely myself.
I told The Dean this morning that what might be best moving forward is if I just tried to stop picking for myself. But even then, unless some action is taken, something when my thoughts and behaviors were changed, that probably wouldn’t stop them from picking me. There is something about me that must also be healed, transformed and changed. I would draw other men and spirits then closer to me.