Sunday, July 23, 2006

Wiz | Biz

The Bible tells the story of a man named Saul. We read his story, learn of his life and his character and as the story goes, we see a change in him. He changes his thoughts, which change his actions and eventually his life and most certainly his character. His name also changes. He is Paul.

Over the past several weeks, months really, I have struggled with my feelings and my relationship with The Wiz. My brain has followed its usual course of action and moved along much further than my heart when it comes to analyzing our kinship. It is my mind that tells me that a relationship will not exist between the two of us. It is my mind that tells me that we are lacking a common and shared goal which is essential to a fruitful and healthy relationship. It is my mind that tells me in the middle of the night, that he has what I want but not necessarily what I need. My mind tells me that in all situations I must first have my needs satisfied. My brain says those things. My heart wishes to argue but my brain and gut usually win. I wish the struggle were over.

The past two weeks have been the most intense in negotiating my kinship with The Wiz. He is who he is and I am who I am and I am moving closer to even who I want to be. Transition is not always quick and smooth. It takes time I have learned. And yes, I am still learning.

Sometimes when we are learning God and the almighty universe sends us instructors to help get the lesson. He uses others as vessels. Sometimes unexpectedly.

In December 2003 I was introduced to a man whose name was also The Wiz. He was a young professional who took a step back whenever I would attempt to take a step forward. I couldn’t understand his caution. Many times after our initial meeting we would encounter each other here and there. We would make the smallest of small talk and never go too far beyond our surface.

After several years, he emerged in my life in a more personal way, two or three weeks ago. Our conversation this time was much more free-flowing. The surface had been scratched. A week ago he and I saw each other out and about and engaged in a lengthy conversation that I didn’t want to end. For the first time being able to see beyond the careful public shell, I realized that he possessed good yolk.

Since that evening we have enjoyed a few phone conversations and in each I have learned a little more about him. This afternoon we spoke and as he told me stories about past relationships he began speaking to my spirit in a way that he could not have known. In turn helping me to reconcile what is going on between my brain and my heart. His words resonated with me. Need. Self love. Due time. Growth. Prayer. Unseen. Change. Future. God.

This Wiz had a new name. He is The Biz and I am continually thankful for the vessels God sends for whom I can learn.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Moving Forward

I feel a little hurt
I feel a little pain
But I don’t feel like all the time went down the drain

One thing I have learned from this
I’ve got to remain careful who I kiss

So I suppose its back to the way things used to be
A female rapper said it best –

Bitches pay a fee to fuck with me!

...and they should. I am more than worth it.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Beyond Our Boxes

Friday night I looked at the stars and wondered how I got to where I was. Somewhere in the heart of Charleston County, West Virginia I was climbing inside of a tent to rest my eyes and bones for the night. It was a far cry from the hustle and bustle of New York City I’d experienced just two days before. In a matter of 72 hours I had sat in the front row of a Broadway production in the capital of the world, New York City, traveled home to the nation’s capital, Washington, DC, to collect my bag and my thoughts in just enough time to link up with friends and strangers to head to West Virginia the center of white water rafting this side of the Mississippi. It would be a very fitting way to end my vacation and time for reflection and rejuvenation.

Months ago Go Blue invited me on this camping and white water rafting trip that he takes with his college buddies every year. When he offered the invitation I thought he was joking but I also knew that I couldn’t refuse. Any time Go Blue and I get together it is fun and I feel like something special happens. Certainly, accepting his offer to partake in this adventure could only lead to good times.

When I first met Go Blue I would have never imagined that he and I would form the friendship that we have. He and I work together and when I began my job I held fast to the belief that my colleagues would remain in that box marked colleague and forever that is where they would stay. Slowly over time his openness and kind spirit attracted me to him as more than a box but as a wonderful human being. That box marked colleague was destroyed so that a friendship could be created.

Go Blue and I share many differences, including sexual orientation, that seems to baffle some folks – why would a straight Black man want to be friends with a poster child for same gender love they question – but the beauty of our friendship is that we are able to answer that question. We are two humans who see beyond the surface and social constructs of what is and what isn’t and we connect.

I met a lot of his very blue college friends this weekend and enjoyed meeting every one of them. Each of them had their own stories to tell yet they were all interwoven with many of the same life trials, tribulations and burning questions about the meaning of life/love and what should we do next that every twenty-something year old in America has. This weekend I was lucky enough to bare witness to others and share my own. It was a beautiful part of nature, equally as beautiful as the stars in the sky, the mountains and trees, the river and the sun.

Stepping outside of my box over the weekend was good for me. I pitched a tent, slept in it, grabbed my paddle and rowed with the best, jumped off a cliff and appreciated God’s country and those who shared it with me. I am glad I stepped outside of my box and that Go Blue challenged me to break down the one I tried to put him in. There is so much outside to experience.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Speak to Me

When I have given up all hope and think we will never cross paths then I see you. You show yourself just long enough for me to believe again. Then you walk away. You do not linger. You just say, “Hello, I am here.” It seems as if when I moisten my lips to speak back to you it is then that you disappear again. You are here just long enough to say hello, to remind me that you are around and feed my desire to talk to you one day – long into the twilight of my life. You are such a kind stranger. How I wish we could become friends.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Self-Centered Me

Weeks ago when I decided to take a vacation and time to breath I began coming up with a list of places all around the world where I wanted to travel. I was seeking in these fantastic distant destinations a place where I could relax my mind, body and spirit. I thought to myself, that if I could just get away from this physical space that I would be okay. But as time went on I began to think of the expense. I began to think of the logistics of traveling here and there. I also began to think of the lyrics to a song which tell the listener in no uncertain terms that a man can journey a thousand miles and still be in the same place.

If I could not rest and rejuvenate myself here then what exactly made me think that I could do it half way around the world. I would only return home. Of the tons of things that I must continue to learn to do, one is to be able to remove myself and go into a quiet space wherever I am. It will attribute to me moving toward and finding peace in my center.

The beauty of life and my truest life mission is that I am able to define things for myself. Blue Sky asked me the other day what did I mean by my center when I told him I needed to move closer toward it again. I told him that my center is that place inside me where when everything is well all my parts are in line with each other, where I have clarity and feel empowered in my walk. It is my heart and soul. It is the hub from which everything else operates and takes direction. It is a place of peace. It is a place of understanding, even the things that can never fully be understood by man, and one understands that. One day at a time.

While I have taken a few day trips so far this week and will meet nature in a new way this weekend on a rafting trip, I have been spending most of my time with myself. In a healthy way I have removed myself from much of the comings and goings, outside voices and forces, around me, stealing quiet moments for me.

I think. I say thank you. I pray. I sit. I sleep.

I am just being a little self-centered. I am not the center of the universe but in this time I reminded that there is a part of the universe in the center of me.