Off and On

I have a truth that I have dared not speak. It has existed for as long as I could remember but it was not until I matured several years ago that I was able to call it a name. Perhaps I have never spoken about it publicly because I was and at times still find this truth to be uncomfortable and there are times when I may even be ashamed. Something that at times can be so positive and has become a part of my own survival can at other times be seen as negative and false by others. Yet, I continue – maybe because I’ve only lived this way – to let it persist and those who are closest to me watch and engage. I sometimes think it is the ultimate test of who knows me and who knows me not.

Off.

On.

I’ve come to accept the truth that at times my everyday life is performance. One of my favorite literary lovers took a picture of me several weeks ago and sent it to me just a few days ago. I was spellbound by the picture of me. It was unlike any other that I’ve seen of me in quite a long time. I was sitting in a corner on the floor. I was alone in silence. I was listening, watching the world around me and happy with my own little world. I was at peace.

That is a stark contrast to almost any other picture you may find me in. Most photos find me smiling or laughing -- posed. A shine sometimes larger than life. That is how I wish photos to be taken of me. Photos are passed around and seen by everyone and those are the images that create perceptions and that is part of the construction of ClayStarr that I have taken great care to mold and shape. I have been criticized by others for my attempts through pictures, words, placements and actions to ‘brand’ myself but I continue to do it because I believe in the end it is beneficial to take an active role in creating the public image of who I am.

I am not an actor. I am not a model. I am not a politician. I am me and for better or for worse I believe that how you see me should be at least be partly up to me.

In contemplation I’ve come to the conclusion that this has probably impaired my quest for a lover over time. Just last night someone noted that I was ‘being to ClayStarr’ at the local watering hole. I laughed to myself. On one hand he was absolutely right. I was having great fun and no man with little balls would have dared to approach me last night as he would have feared I would have eaten him up and spit him out. Woa is me.

On the other hand I thought about how wrong he was. Truly I was just out having a good time and any man with even small balls and a big brain would understand the difference between a person and his/her persona.

Many people and it is my fault think that I’m only the persona 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. At times that bothers me but I believe that those that know me and care about me the most absolutely can differentiate the person from the persona. They can do so because I have chosen to let them in my most intimate world. For while I fain that I’m open I’m really a private person. I continue to negotiate and walk the fine line with myself of what is and isn’t to be put in front of others and ask myself why or why not. I don’t subscribe to the thought that I do these things out of insecurity. I do them because I don't wish to share myself with everyone.

Deja Vu

Friday night I was at Halo, not being such of an angel but certainly having a good time. I was dressed down and a lot more casual than I ever am when I tend to frequent the bar. I was in my element. All night long the drinks were flowing, the laughs kept coming and I chatted up two very handsome men.

Smiles is a hot redbone whose pearly whites can light up half the Vegas strip. He was very engaging and sexy in a subtle way. I gave him my number and he said he’d call me Saturday so that we could get together. (note today is Monday I’ve not received said call) The other gentleman was the opposite tone of Smiles.
He was dark like cocoa and his appeal was a little less physical and a lot more mental. Leave it to me to have conversations about politics at a bar on a Friday night. After a suggestion of doing brunch on Sunday I got the Cocoa Conservatives phone number and kept it moving.

Friday night was turning out to be a lot better than Friday afternoon when I finally gave in and called the young man I’ve taken a fancy to that is a student at Howard. He is full of promise yet, Prince Charming hadn’t been in touch with me in days and when I called and got his voicemail on Friday I was feeling a bit like a frog myself.

By Saturday night I had declared that it wasn’t right but it was okay than none of these gentlemen had reached out to me. Sunday morning I made plans to go to brunch with friends. Merriment and mimosas were certainly in order.

Well, while enjoying my time with ATLRed and AQueer a familiar voice was heard at the side of my table and it wasn’t the waiter. Prince Charming happened to be dining out for brunch this Sunday too. He was charming of course and my heart honestly fluttered like a butterfly who just broke out the cocoon – wild and happy to be free. He flirted. I flirted. He said had been busy the past few days and noted we hadn’t seen each other in a week. I noted that he said he was busy. He pardoned himself and 30 seconds later I got a text from him saying it was good to see me. I want to hit him up and ask him when that can happen but I refuse (at least for now anyway). I am a catch and someone ought to catch me. I’m not always going to be the one running and chasing.

Ironically, I did end up running today. Of course, I joined a gym about two months ago and my favorite thing to do is run on the treadmill (because I can simultaneously watch television) but that is not the kind of running I did at the gym today. This evening it was more like run up out the gym rather than run at the gym.

While doing the lifting circuit I noticed the body of a man at the other end of the gym. In my mind I noted he was pleasing to the eyes and figured I’d get a closer look as I switched machines. I did. I got a good look. It was Smiles!

He noticed me and walked over to say hello. He asked if I worked out at the gym at this time frequently and some other idle gym chat. I admit I was flirtatious and batted my eyes as if I’d been trained in doing so by Betty Boop.
I also admit that for some reason seeing him at the gym made me horribly uncomfortable. The thought of he and I also being in the same locker room later made me freak out and as soon as I finished my last set I got the freak out the gym.

The other revelation I had about these gentlemen is that while I was cleaning my apartment Saturday and my mind was crystal clear I realized that I actually met Smiles and Cocoa Conservative a few months ago.

Baby I can't go anywhere ~ Without thinking that you're there~ Seems like
you're everywhere, it's true~ Gotta be having Deja Vu'Cause in my mind I want
you here~ Get on the next plane, I don't care ~ Is it because I'm missing you~
That I'm having Deja Vu