Seasons

I thought that winter would never leave. The nights seemed darker than ever before and the cold temperatures that never bothered me did bother me this time around. It went on and on. But the season finally changed.

The calendar reads spring.

The calendar reads spring now but outside it looks and feels like we just skipped over spring and found ourselves right in summer. I better be mindful of that.

I've been wanting another winter in my life to pass me over but it seems to have been lingering around me for the last 20 years. I have prayed for spring and had visions of a sweet summer.

Sometimes I wonder if that season in my life hasn't changed because I've yet to change or is it that I was positioned in the world not have those other two seasons. I say two because I know the cold, darkness and isolation of the winter very well and the changing colors, wind whisking away the leaves I found beauty in, and bareness of limbs I am also familiar. I know those seasons.

Yet I continue to long for my true spring of blossoming and newness. Long for my long hot summer where only lips can cool me.

I wonder a lot. I wonder when my seasons will come. 

Loss

Loss.

I’ve been thinking about loss the last few hours. Last night I walked by a restaurant I visited with my uncle a couple of years ago and paused for just a second. I remembered him and his spirit. I was taken aback. His death has had the greatest impact on me of anyone that I've been close to.

My grandmother and grandfather, I saw the world without them. I knew they wouldn't live forever. But my uncle, I never thought of the day when he would not be around. I mourn his loss in quiet times.  I mourn his loss when I look for him and he is not there. Like at Christmas. Like when I want to ask my mom what he has been up to. Like when I was in Paris with my mother imagining how she and he would have experienced that trip together. Like whenever I hear jazz. I mourn him then.

Yet, his is not the only loss that has permeated my thoughts. The phantom friendship and companionship of the Phantom of the Opera has been there to – Phantom of the Opera and the men I met before him that I wanted to stick around but they chose not to. They chose to move on, move away, to just keep moving without me.

I miss Phantom because he saw me. In his own right he had wonderful vision and I also allowed him to see parts of me I’d not previously shared with someone like him. And do you know he saw me?! He absolutely saw me and was one of the most beautiful things to be seen. He saw me and wasn't afraid. I believe he actually saw my handsomeness and blemishes. A light was on in the room with just me and him and he walked about. He circled me. He spoke to me. He came close. He wasn't afraid.

But then, with the lights still on, he left. I was left in a room with the light shining on me all alone. So, I turned the light off.

And I feel like I’m in that room in the dark wishing, hoping, praying that someone would turn that light on and stay. Shut the door behind them. Stay.

Loss. 

Ups and Downs

On my 30th birthday I received a number of gifts. All were nice. All were given in love. Some were expensive. Yet, there is one gift that stuck out to me more than any other. It was a children’s book about friendship. It was given to me by a friend from college and her boyfriend at the time, now her fiancée. It was an illustrated book that described what friendship is and I was and remain drawn to it. A book.

Often in life it has been a book that has expanded my thoughts, taken me to a different place, offered guidance, changed my life, freed me. Yesterday was like most any other day for me. I was moved through the work day with ease and was looking at life with a pretty positive attitude. But in a manner of hours that was no longer the case. I got a message from a friend that he and his partner were moving into their new home they were purchasing together. Love had found the both of them, brought them together and now they could live under one roof, both having a sense of ownership of their shared space. An hour later I got a message from a friend who’d moved 200 miles away to be with her boyfriend, soon to be husband a few days ago. She told me that he’d been laid off from his job. Love had found the both of them, brought them together and after years of living in two different cities they were under one roof, both having a sense of ownership of their shared space and it felt like all of a sudden the rug had been pulled from beneath them. Every coin has two sides.

Wrapping my mind around the parallels of the couples, after work I met up with a young woman I’ve known since she was a senior in high school. She continues to blossom. I always thought she was a beautiful inside and out, I don’t think she started to believe that until she was a few years into college though. It made me smile. She talked about her new adventure she’s starting in a few months and the challenge of pulling away from a young man that isn’t ready to go on the adventure with her. I saw myself in her.

After we parted ways, I went back to my apartment to learn that what I suspected was true. The owners are selling the apartment building. They don’t have a buyer yet but I have little doubt that they’ll find one soon. I immediately felt uncertain. I also felt like I had failed myself by not already owning a home. That would have insulated me from such uncertainty. I beat myself up over it for several hours, honestly, I’m still doing so. If I had bought a home years ago before the market took off completely I’d okay. If I had faith and gumption to purchase years ago I’d be better off. But, I didn’t. Now homes where I’d feel comfortable living seem out of my price range. I fear I’ll be pushed out and have no one to blame but myself.

This morning I woke up thinking about another book a friend gifted me. It wasn’t on my 30th birthday but when I was trying to figure things out in life and wasn’t sure what my next steps should be – or even if I should be stepping. The lesson of the book was simply; life will always have ups and downs, one must prepare for the downs while they are up and prepare for the ups while they are down. So the couples, the young lady, and me will do just that. An up is on the way.

Gone Blue

The truth is he may have been my first love. I just didn’t realize it when he was loving me and I was loving him. Unforgiving love. Unconditional love. It was love that felt so comforting and natural, like the skin on my body, I didn’t stop to pay attention, recognize that it was there. It simply existed for years. Only now after that skin has been torn and I look at the cut and wonder will it ever heal again, do I know that it was there. That skin was protecting me. It kept me cool when it was hot. It kept me warm when it was cold. It was also beautiful and smooth. Oh, how his love was smooth. And I think now, what a gift and blessing it was. He was truly a best friend and without sharing touches, we shared the most intimate of moments. He and I often lived just the two of us, in a world that we'd created for and with each other. I didn’t know then, he was the prototype for the relationship I desire with another man. Somehow, he knew me better than I knew myself. With him I was comfortable and comforted. With him I was stimulated. With him all things were all perfect. With him I was delicately equal. I didn’t realize this until he was no longer there and we were no longer friends. I would have never imagined it then, as it is hard for me to think it or say it now. These are thoughts I shouldn't be having. It was a relationship that could never be. But it certainly was. It has taken me years and experiences exploring relationships with other gay men to reach this real point of discovery that has shaken me. I miss him and I miss his love. I’ve yet to find someone who has loved me the way he did. I wonder sometimes, does he still love me.

Nights Like This

I am a delicate balance. I often wonder was this predestined for me because of my birth sign, the Libra. I am a creature constantly in search of balance in my life. It is an ongoing struggle at times but I knowingly and unconsciously seek for it in every aspect. I believe it is what makes my narrative so interesting. A coalescing of two sometimes far extremes, from my deepest passion for the performing arts, sweeping prose and harmonic poetry to love of hard hits on the football field and aggressive and swift game of basketball games. I wear ascots and drink cocktails while craving greasy chicken dinners and sweet tea from establishments loosely referred to as carry out restaurants. There are no linen napkins or white tablecloths there. But I love it all and my quest to find just enough of both seizes me.

It is the same with me and my relation to people, some of whom I love dearly. My innate desire to pull them close and keep them at arms length all once. Its been an interesting week. I was ready for it to end. I’ve felt happiness, confused, optimistic, lonely and loved all in the past few days. So here tonight I sit alone resting my body, gathering my thoughts and centering myself. And even here I wish for something else.

To be with someone and simultaneously left alone. Perhaps the advanced thought is that I wish for the presence of someone who I knew cared and wanted understand how I feel but would love me and respect me enough to own my feelings and be simple present with me. I have been by choice and default very independent and I don’t know that at this juncture that I want someone who says that they will climb my mountains for me but at least with me.

I want us to do it together.

I want him to say ‘we will make it through this season.’

But he is not here, just me, and I guess the middle, or the balance struck is the usual in this case. I’ll press on with myself. I’ll still count it all joy.

Changing Seasons

Here I am. It is that season again. The season that brings anxiety, questions, fear and typically transition. It is fall. It is a familiar cycle. A lot of transformative events in my life have happened in the fall. It is so symbolic. Though I shouldn’t be surprised for my life is punctuated by symbolism. Ultimately, I find it fitting.

So this fall I am walking a tight rope and not even sure how long it is or where it will lead exactly but I am on it and trying to move carefully and skillfully without falling. I am dealing with a lot of unknown factors in my career, my livelihood and in reaching up and out for my higher calling.

Lord knows I want to make what my grandmother called “good money” and at the same time I want to feel like I am truly doing something good. I want my next move to be a leap not a step. That is what I really want. I want it and think I’ve been working at it for some time now but don’t know when or where that work is going to payoff. It is my prayer and vision that it will. Sometimes my mind frowns but my heart musters just enough hope to smile.

The fall air is cool. While it is a welcome from what was a hot and humid summer it makes me long for arms to wrap around me at night. So many claim to love me but there isn’t one who wants to be in love with me. How could that be? I believe that question is now as old as my desire and yet still younger than my acceptance of who I am.

A very kind young man that I offered a few encouraging words to while he was going through a transition last fall that lasted through the summer called a few weeks ago to tell me thanks. I wonder if he had any idea that I needed to hear him say that he was doing well because it gave me more faith that I would too.

Seasons.

Stillnes

It is amazing what can happen when one sits still. This morning I sat in a chair and was drenched in thankfulness and gratitude. I closed my eyes and lifted my hands to God in praise and devotion. Oh, how glorious it felt.

Tonight I am sitting still and am in enveloped in a sadness and confusion, wrapped in the blanket of loneliness, wondering why I must sit alone. I don’t like this feeling and I wonder will there ever be a night when I find myself still and this feeling is long gone and far away.

When I sit still I hear so very clearly, whether I want to or not.

That Feeling That I Get

I remember what it feels like. It feels so good. It feels like floating on a cloud. It sounds like the popping of a bottle of champagne. It smells like something sweet and delicious coming right out of the oven. It tastes like a fresh strawberry covered in chocolate. It looks like him. Oh, when it happens it appeals to all of my senses. When it happens…but it hasn’t happened in a while.

I think it is safe to say that it hasn’t happened in months. I’ve not been enchanted by or with any man in some time. I long for that feeling though. I long for the feeling and just as much if not more I long for what that feeling makes me do.

It makes me smile from ear to ear. It makes me blush. It makes my heart jump. It makes me laugh and giggle at random moments. It makes me want to ensure my hands are always soft so that at anytime I can rub his, massage his back, caress his face and bring him warmth and energy. Oh, to be enchanted by a man, to fall under his spell.

I wish for a man to cast his spell on me again.

My Familiar

Yesterday I called a friend that I hadn’t spoken to in months. There was no particular reason that we hadn’t spoken. There had been no discord. We just had not picked up the phone to dial each other. Yesterday, I was so happy that I did. It was like sweet music hearing his voice. Our laughter was like a blanket I could wrap myself in. I was reminded how I loved him. How we have loved each other through all sorts of times and shared all sorts of memories and growing pains. It was slipping gently into the comfort of the familiar.

In this, my thirtieth year, I believe I have become more familiar with myself. It is both a grand and scary thing. I embrace it. I embrace what the past ten months have shown me, taught me, reinforced in me and even challenged me to say and do. And to think, there are still 2 months left before my next birthday.

I started to grow afraid of turning 30. In the weeks leading up to it I was so reflective. I thought about all the things that I knew I’d done right but probably spent more time on the things that I thought I may have done wrong. I knew 30 was a milestone. It just wasn’t the dawn of another decade it was the door opening on true adulthood. I could no longer toss around a twenty anything. I didn’t know what was going to be on the other side.

But glory. I now tell people that it was perhaps the best thing to ever happen to me. I believe I see things much clearer on this side, even the things I don’t want to see. I see them with much more clarity. That includes the things in me I need to work on or just let go.

My father called me for the first time in 30 years, I became the Godfather to a beautiful baby girl, I removed myself from the life of someone who I once counted as one of my closest friends, I’ve said yes and no and I continue to become more familiar with myself. I also now find more appreciation than I ever did before in the love of those who are most familiar and in the back of my mind fear that I will not find a man to familiarize myself in 30 more years.

But glory.

Here we go again

Ten years ago I was living in a city I no longer wanted to live in, attending a school I no longer wanted to attend, experiencing an internal struggle that manifest itself in very external ways, shaping my the foundation of my identity and manhood. Ten years ago I took several leaps of faith and through those leaps I have landed where I am today.

Ten years later I am continuing to explore myself, the world, where I am in it and where I want to be in and just what exactly I can do to make this world the one I want it and know that it can be.

Ten years is a mighty long time. Ten years is also just a blip on the line of eternity.

And here I am today, on that line, looking at the years that have past. Looking to the years ahead and wondering how I will view this moment.

In some ways I feel just as I did ten years ago. I feel like something has to give and that something may even be me. I feel like I am wading in the middle of an ocean with the ability to swim toward land but not quite knowing what direction to swim in. I feel like there is something great in store, but I just don’t know what it is. That is how I felt ten years ago. It is how I feel right now. I am unsure and at the same time very certain.

I was led to and took several leaps of faith then and I continue to pray that I’ll be led to and make the right leaps again. Even remembering that while leaping I stumbled and found myself bruised then, I understand that too was part of the process. The perfectly imperfect beautiful process that led me here to this moment in my life.

I swam in that ocean. I made it to land. I stood on my own two feet and when I couldn’t God lifted me, and I walked tall.

Here we go again.