Here we go again

Ten years ago I was living in a city I no longer wanted to live in, attending a school I no longer wanted to attend, experiencing an internal struggle that manifest itself in very external ways, shaping my the foundation of my identity and manhood. Ten years ago I took several leaps of faith and through those leaps I have landed where I am today.

Ten years later I am continuing to explore myself, the world, where I am in it and where I want to be in and just what exactly I can do to make this world the one I want it and know that it can be.

Ten years is a mighty long time. Ten years is also just a blip on the line of eternity.

And here I am today, on that line, looking at the years that have past. Looking to the years ahead and wondering how I will view this moment.

In some ways I feel just as I did ten years ago. I feel like something has to give and that something may even be me. I feel like I am wading in the middle of an ocean with the ability to swim toward land but not quite knowing what direction to swim in. I feel like there is something great in store, but I just don’t know what it is. That is how I felt ten years ago. It is how I feel right now. I am unsure and at the same time very certain.

I was led to and took several leaps of faith then and I continue to pray that I’ll be led to and make the right leaps again. Even remembering that while leaping I stumbled and found myself bruised then, I understand that too was part of the process. The perfectly imperfect beautiful process that led me here to this moment in my life.

I swam in that ocean. I made it to land. I stood on my own two feet and when I couldn’t God lifted me, and I walked tall.

Here we go again.

Thats the Way the Cookie Crumbles

Over the course of the last week my communication with Chocolate Chip Cookie has completely broken down. The catalyst for this was a call that Chocolate Chip Cookie got from his ex-boyfriend. It was the call to come home.

It seems as though the plans of the ex who had not long ago moved out weren’t quite working out and so he wanted to move back in. Chocolate Chip Cookie said that the ex was still on the mortgage and that he felt like he had to let him move back to the house – that coupled with the fact the Chocolate Chip Cookie missed the dog they once shared.

And that is how the cookie crumbled. The ex moved back in last Saturday and every day since the calls and texts have dwindled. I’m not shocked by this. When he told me the ex called I knew that he would answer. That’s how these things typically go. The only thing that does slightly disturb me however is that in our last few sparse exchanges Chocolate Chip Cookie has felt the need to apologize for the communication being sparse or short.

He, like I am, is a grown man and that means too old to be apologizing for how we feel and what we do. He did whatever the heck he does with his ex and his friends that he had before he met me this weekend and didn’t reach out. I don’t want him to apologize for that as he did. I had a great and relaxing weekend with myself and I’m not apologizing for that. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles.

Afternoon Delight

Earlier this week Chocolate Chip Cookie and I had a chance to spend some time together. We caught a movie and went to dinner after. I enjoyed our time together. It was just what I had wanted and my sweet tooth was satisfied.

Today was a rather long day at work, mostly because of a late afternoon meeting with someone who I couldn’t determine if he was dumb, lazy or both. Not the ideal note to end the day on – confused about the confused. Nevertheless, when the meeting was over I walked out in the hall and looked at my cell phone at just the right time to see it light up with an incoming call. It was Chocolate Chip Cookie and it was perfect timing.

I had decided toward the end of the meeting that my reward for the long day was going to blow my diet and buy a big sugar cookie from the shop across the street from my office building but with the call from Chocolate Chip Cookie I realized there wasn’t a need. I was okay with the unexpected call as my treat. I didn’t a sugar cookie I had a Chocolate Chip Cookie instead.

Table for One

I told myself that I wouldn’t allow this to happen. In fact I had been doing pretty good avoiding it for the past few weeks. Nevertheless it has happened. I am feeling kind of blue as I sit here eating a frozen pizza. I believe this is dinner and that is why I am disappointed.

The first Sunday in January and the first Sunday in February I shared a meal and most pleasant company with Chocolate Chip Cookie. Unfortunately, the first Sunday in February was the last time I saw him too. I’ve made a couple of attempts to see him and they both came at times when he couldn’t accept the invitation. To his credit he did invite me to dinner and movie but when worked called he had to answer and our plans were postponed indefinitely it seems.

I am totally interested in getting to know him but text messages and phone calls are no longer satisfying my curiosity nor hunger for face to face time. I know he got out of a relationship not long ago and wants to build friendships before anything. I know that in my head and there it makes perfect sense. I told myself not to create expectations and take it one day at a time. But I’ve reached a fork in the road where my mind and my heart don’t agree. So which road am I going to choose?

Part of me wants to go along to get along and see where this slow and steady exploration of friendship and learning each other leads. Yet, the other part of me, the most often seen and heard part of me, the me that I and everyone else knows – that part of me wants to get throw some engines on this thing and move it faster right along.

I fear both roads though. I don’t want to move so slow that the desire and opportunity are lost nor do I want to move so fast that I find that I’ve pushed him away. I need to choose a direction soon though and keep going. But right now I guess I’ll just enjoy my pizza alone.

I want to know...

I want to know his scent.

I want to know what his kisses taste like.

I want to know how it feels to fall asleep holding him or while he holds me.

I want to know he looks like when he first wakes up in the morning.

I want to know what it sounds like to hear him say the words I love you.

I want to know what it is like to truly know him.

I want to know when this man, wherever he may be, will reveal himself to me.

Seriously?

Yesterday morning on my way to work I was approached by an older man. He was probably in his mid to late fifties. He greeted me and I replied. He continued walking several steps ahead of me and then stopped just a few feet from the entrance to my office building. As I got closer to him and the door he asked me what I was doing later on in the evening. I told him ‘nothing.’ He responded, “You want some of this?” while holding up his cell phone so that I could see the screen. It was a picture of his erect penis. ..Seriously.

After a week of eating soup, vegetables and fruits I was excited about getting in the gym this afternoon. I’d gone Monday and Tuesday as well. I figured this would be a great way to cap off the week of good eating and exercise. I ran 5 miles on the treadmill. I did some work on my arms and stomach. Nothing was going to satisfy me more after my workout than some nice quiet time in the sauna and a good shower. I sat in the sauna alone with my eyes closed for several minutes before a young guy came in. He wasn’t bad on the eye either. Anyway, he sat across from me and unwrapped from a towel an ipod and earphones. I figured he would use them. He did. Only thing was that his music was so loud that I could still hear it even though he was wearing headphones. It was the oddest mix of songs too. All slow love songs. I wasn’t sure if he was trying seduce me or sedate me. ..Seriously.

I called Chocolate Chip Cookie tonight to see how he was doing. He had been sick earlier this week and I just wanted to say hello and check in. I enjoy communicating with him via text, instant messenger and in person I think our interactions are really great but on the phone it always seems a bit odd. For the past few weeks I’d been trying to place his voice and speaking pattern. When we were on the phone tonight it came to me. He sounds like and his phone demeanor reminds me a lot of The Professional. That freaks me out slightly but not as much as the fact that I think I am a bit more interested in seeing where things go than he is. I’m starting to think my Chocolate Chip Cookie idea is half baked. ..Seriously.

The long weekend is officially here for all of us that work for the government. Wonderful. I decided that I’d step out to the local watering hole to see and be seen. Well, that wasn’t as fun as I’d hoped it would be. I have chosen February as the month that I won’t drink alcohol or wine this year. I realized how much I needed alcohol to not be in that environment but to tolerate that environment. It was a slow and not so cute night at the not-so-okay corral. ..Seriously.

Yet overall, it was a pretty good Friday. Seriously.

Not Another Day at the Office

For the last 13 months I have held the same job, walked in the same building, sat at the same cubicle in the same office suite. In those 13 months some things in the suite as well as some of the people in the suite have changed yet one thing and one person has always been consistent. There is a coworker who has chosen for the past 13 months not to engage me in conversation, not even simple greetings, and at times not even make eye contact with me if it could be avoided.

When I first started working in The Kingdom I put my best foot forward to fit in with the office and create positive working relationships. He showed no direct interest and to my understanding expressed to others that he had none. I respected that.

I have lived every aspect of my life as an out gay man since college and I in this journey I have come to understand that not everyone is okay with that and that, is most certainly okay with me. I have also grown not only to understand but appreciate those who may have an issue with homosexuality and homosexuals and not allow it to become reason nor ammunition to disrespect me – which is still different from respect.

Nevertheless, I had resigned that this colleague and I have not spoken any words to each other since my first month on the job. He does his job and I do my job. But a funny thing happened on the way to the train this evening after work.

I packed my bag, put on my coat and scarf and headed out the suite door. I went down the hall and the one who has had no words came from the opposite end of the hallway and in passing he said “Have a good evening.” Without missing a beat I told him to do the same. As I got closer to the elevators I heard him call my name. I turned around and he walked over to me.

He apologized. I listened.

He explained that I had never done anything to him and that he didn’t have any real reason to ever not speak to me and that it was in his own words, stupid for him to have been acting how he had. He said that he noticed my interactions with others in the suite and felt that he had been missing out on having a friendly work relationship with a good guy because he was being ignorant.

I told him that I am glad that we could start all over again.

Taking a Chance on Chocolate

I went to dinner with Chocolate Chip tonight and at some point I wanted to remove the table that was separating us from each other and hug him and cry. I think I like his soul. I felt a true connection with him.

He is beautiful. This evening at dinner I realized that for the first time in my adult life that I have met a man and chosen to also let him meet me from the beginning. I am revealing to him the real me, the authentic and wonderful me, not a public persona but my true personage. It is both exciting and scary for me. It is a risk.

A little wiser, with a better understanding of life, I know that without taking this risk with Chocolate Chip I wouldn’t ever know if our new relationship can become a solid friendship, anything more or anything less.

Tonight Chocolate Chip mentioned that he wanted to do something adventurous. He said he wanted to go on a journey and see where it takes him. Actually, I see this relationship with Chocolate Chip as the very thing he said he wanted for himself for me, an adventure.

Metamorphosis

Nearly three years ago I checked into this hotel room. It was summertime. I was going through something. I thought it was the most awful thing. My heart was broken. I had never felt that way in my entire young life. I was in a state of pain, confusion and sadness. My esteem was low. I didn’t know how, when or if I would recover.

I came here this weekend just because I felt I needed to get away from home for a while. I wanted to be in a different physical space. I wanted to sleep in a different bed. I was also hoping for some better sleep. Sleep doesn’t always come so easy to me.

While sitting here a few moments and flood of gratefulness fell upon me. I won’t say that I’m completely healed from 2006 but I can say with certainty that I am much better today than I was then when I checked in to this hotel. I am blessed by God to know that I am not yet the best I can be but that I am better than what and who I was 3 years ago, 3 months ago and probably even 3 days ago. I continue to reach new levels of understanding about myself and the world in which I live in and co-create.

And I do not pray for my metamorphosis to end, instead I pray for it to be completed.

Change

Change.

I went to the Smithsonian today to view Road to Freedom: Photographs of the Civil Rights Movement, 1956-1968. The images spoke louder than any words I’d ever heard, seen or wrote. The words captured love and hate in a bottle and closed me up in it. Those feelings were all around me. All I could breathe in or out. Love and hate.

As I turned the corner I was met by the smile and greeting of a Black woman who had lived through 1956 – 1968 in a world I can but had to imagine. She wore a blue hat with the letters U S A across the front. Still proud of her nation despite the atrocities that it had inflicted upon its children that looked just like her. This woman who had seen American presidents shy away from Black faces would in hours see the first African American to become President of the United States.

Change.

In February 2008 my grandmother cast an absentee ballot in the presidential primary race in Ohio. She for the first, and what would be her last time, cast a vote for a woman to lead the Democratic campaign ticket and with good fortune serve as the President of the United States. When my grandmother was a little girl the notion that a woman could president of this land was foreign. My grandmother died before the March primary in Ohio. She didn’t live to see her candidate win the state.

Change.

In November 2008 my grandfather proudly cast his ballot in the general election for President of the United States for a Black man. My grandfather was born in 1921 in a small town in Alabama. He served in the United States military. He fought in a war. He faced discrimination. He never imagined in his lifetime that one day he would have the opportunity to cast a vote for Black man as President of the United States as the nominee from a major political party. On a Wednesday morning in November 2008 my grandfather woke up to news reports that the candidate that he voted for won. The headline of the local newspaper exclaimed that a Black man was elected president.

My grandfather died in December. While he lived to see the election he wouldn’t have the opportunity on Earth to see his supported candidate stand on the steps of the United States Capitol and be sworn into office.

Change.

I am filled with gratitude and unlimited hope for the things that I will still yet see in my lifetime.