Monday, August 22, 2005

Standing at the Gate

Sometimes when I’m alone with someone and there is a lull in the conversation I ask him or her to tell me a secret. Often I’m told by the other person that they don’t have any secrets. But every now and then that person will look me in my eyes and reveal a secret that they wouldn’t tell anyone other than me. I’m honored by their candor. I cherish their secret and never whisper it to a soul. I am a secret keeper. I don’t have many of my own. I just have a little few little ones and one big one.

The past few days I have been grappling a lot with my big secret. It effected my health not too long ago and right now it is playing a huge role in where I stand now in life. Right now I am standing at the gate.

My big secret is probably evident to anyone that truly knows me but to the masses it goes unseen. My secret is that I live my life in fear. I am not afraid of any person. I am afraid, insanely almost, afraid of not being perfect, even in my imperfections. I know there is no such thing as a perfect person or life but desperately I seek it or at least its illusion.

And here I am standing at the gate.

Over the past few months I have been traveling down a road that has led me to place in my life when I want to change. I want to charter a new course. I want to delve into the unknown. But the price of that ticket is the risk of failure. It is the risk of making the wrong move. By making the wrong move, by making the wrong choice, I could find myself in a not so ideal space, a man of not so ideal stature – totally not perfect.

So now I am standing at the gate.

My life as it stands is not perfect. I am far from a perfect being. But the illusion that one can create of his or her near to perfection is something I am afraid not to hold on to. A failure is a flaw.

I am standing at the gate. I can choose to enter or I can choose to just look through, and imagine what it would be like on the other side. I want to take that step. I want to walk through the gates. But I am afraid.

I am afraid of what I don’t know. I am afraid of not knowing and uncertainty. Moreover, I am afraid of the possible failure. Yet, I know that I cannot live in fear. My job and this city. Two decisions have to be made. I need to make them. I have prayed about them. Perhaps I have not prayed hard enough. I have thought about them. Perhaps I have not given them enough thought. I have tried to be still and listen. I am now squirming and haven’t heard anything.

Once in the middle of ambiguity, uncertain times and a storm I sat in my living room floor and cried out for Jesus to help me. I felt like only he could hear me and only he could help. Tonight, I’m going home to do it again.

I am standing at the gate.