Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Dangerously in Love

Sunday, I did as I always do. I took my Sunday stroll. My one hour or more walk from my apartment building to the Howard University campus and back is sometimes used to be at one with myself and sometimes to connect with loved ones via phone that I haven’t talked to in a while. This Sunday I reached out to a friend who shared with me what I thought was some troubling news but it came to me as no surprise.

The night before she had a gentleman’s company at her house but the man was truly no gentleman. In fact, just a few weeks ago he was the man that slapped her to the floor and tossed her around while verbally assaulting her. It disturbed me that he had done those things to my dear friend, a petite woman though tough. It did not surprise me however that weeks after he had done such a horrible thing that he found himself once again in her life, in her home and in her bed again. She constantly craves affection. Attention. She just wants to be loved or at least feel like it. I can’t blame her. I do too. I know that is why she let him back in. If only temporarily he would come over and make her feel good, loved, wanted and worthy. What a vicious act. What a vicious cycle.

Since Sunday, I have been thinking about how while I have never been in her exact situation I have participated in destructive behaviors in the not so distant past in search of feeling loved if only temporarily. Countless times I have masked my desire for emotional satisfaction with sexual gratification. I know there have been many times when it wasn’t that I had a hunger for someone to be inside of me or me inside of someone else as much as it was that I was starving for someone to be simply by my side. In that state I have done reckless things and committed sins against my own morals and values. More than once or twice.

My dear friend and I, and I imagine many others have something in common. We will do dangerous things for love or the false sense of it. There are billions of people in this world. All we want is just one, other than ourselves to love us and make us feel loved. Many are ashamed to admit it. If only we lived in a society in which it was okay to be honest with ourselves and others, free from shame and fear of perceived weakness. Until that day comes many of us will live or die so dangerously.