Friday, July 01, 2005

Yes, an Adventure

After a week in New York I am finally back in the District. I can say that my time was well spent and that I did have an adventure. Of course in a literal sense I only travelled up the East Coast but in a more figurative way I travelled many places and arrived at a destination, a conclusion rather, that I’d been circling for some time.

I cannot recall a time in my life where I have been as happy and satisfied with myself and my position in the world as I am right now. My life is far from perfect and so am I. For my understanding of that alone, I am grateful and I can smile.

While in the City I travelled to a place of balance. I sat in a space and realized that I didn’t have to be of the space. I can be here and I can be there. I can be in between. I have to find the place that is just right for me. For me, not a clique, not a community, for me. The question is not where do I see myself in a village, the question is where do I see myself in a world.

I journeyed with another man to a place of forgiveness. He is the first man that I ever kissed. He is the first man that I really had a crush on. He is also the first man that ever shunned my potential love because I was too effiminate and overtly gay. I was only 18 then and he was only 21. He shunned my affection for his own protection – of his wrap, from the wrath of his Christian family. I only wanted to be in love. He had yet to love himself unconditionally. Years later, we are both more mature. He lives in the Bronx now a far cry from his mothers house in Cleveland. On Wednesday night he and I stood on Christopher Street and he whispered poetry in my ear. Aloud he asked for my forgiveness. He wanted me to forgive him for his ignorance and the way he treated me. I had no choice but to forgive.

I went to a place where I felt good all over. The last time I felt that good was a day that I don’t even remember. I was alone. I was walking up a set of stairs from the subway station and I was met with a cool wind that was a welcome escape from the summer heat. I don’t know where the wind came from but as I walked up the stairs it felt so good and right. It reminded me of the days when I would sit on the bench behind the Hall of Fame in Cleveland and stare at the lake and watch the sun go down. The breeze coming off the water relaxed me and embraced me with peace.

Last Sunday I saw Motown. I wasn’t moved by his music. With my eyes wide open and a heart filled with glee I was in a place of comfort – a place where I was and am truly comfortable with just me. A boyfriend would be lovely. A lover would be wonderful. But right now, I am not searching. I have been moving to a place for a couple of months now in which I am happy with me. I had a great breakthrough one morning this week. For the first time when I asked myself would I date me the answer was yes. I have not been able to say that before.

Do I think that people were made to be alone forever? No, I don’t think so. But right now I am and I don’t know when that is going to change but I will not chase anyone. I will not cry in his absence. I will not wallow with thoughts that I am not worthy or that my day will never come. I will soak up life, enjoy my time and company, my friends and my family and live.

I vivisted a place of nonjudgement. I met a guy in the City that I think is special. He is twenty two years old, originally from Alabama and has been living in New York for a couple of years. He is full of energy and there is something about him that makes me want to hold on to him. A few days after our initial meeting I learned that he was in the adult entertainment industry. That explained what about him and his interactions and attention from others I couldn’t put my finger on. At one point he and I were having a drink and I was being pulled by someone to talk about magic tricks and he was being questioned by two fans about his work. It was a very different scene that made me chuckle on the inside. He in some ways is the antithesis of me but in others we are similar. We hung out all week and exchanged numbers. I am not sure if we will talk or hang out again but we both enjoyed the moment. I didn’t want anything from him except friendship, he offered that. He didn’t want anything from me except friendship and I supplied it. Silly are the stigmas – we are all people.

So to Aunt Ester, the rather mythical character created by August Wilson, yes, I have been on adventure. I have been moved by the Earth and the spirits that lie within. To Ruth Ellis, the proud black lesbian who lived, I enjoyed pride and will carry it with me in my walk each day of the year, not just one Sunday in June. To my uncle Andre, when you died five years ago, I am at point in my life where I am not sure if you ever made it there, I am happy with even my imperfections. My great adventure, continues. So live.