Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Cry Freedom

It is raining outside. When I heard the rain beating on the windows the little voice in my head said, finally. I suppose in my unconscious mind I had been waiting on the rain. Waiting on it to beat down on me and this Earth and wash things away. Let the rain cool things down. Let the rain usher my voyage into meditation. Let the rain cleanse me and all that surrounds. Lord knows, we can all use his water. Ain’t rain really holy water? It comes from God. In the most natural form I’ve ever seen. It drops straight from the heavens. Nothing but God, touching you with every drop.

The past few weeks I have needed rain and just like everyday, but some days I felt like more than some of my past days, I have needed rain because rain is God. God to wash me. God to guide me. God to center me.

I’ve had a lot of stuff on my mind. Death and life are on that list. But so are the words freedom and disillusionment.

What exactly is freedom? Is it so complex, does it come in many forms or is there truly just one and it is effortless and simple. I owe a financial debt. Right now it doesn’t bother me so much but I owe it and I think about it because it is the only on paper, documented debt that I owe anyone or institution. It is the only tangible thing that I have that I cannot legally walk away from. I have been wondering even more as of late what I would feel like if that debt were removed. If that binding document no longer existed between myself and that entity. What if I was able to walk away? How would I feel? What would it mean, if anything? If it were not in striking distance I doubt the thought of me making it disappear wouldn’t consume me as much. But it does.

I wonder if it would make me feel like a different person. Would that freedom allow me to realize and welcome others? I think that is what I ponder most. Would it serve as a catalyst for me to drop everything and travel the country, the world, continue the journey of the discovery of me? Or would I feel and be the same man that I already am.

There is a power in being able to envision your own life. I strongly believe this to be true. It has been said a thousand ways by thousands of preachers, teachers and lay persons, that if you can see it you can achieve it. God wouldn’t show you something that he wouldn’t allow you to touch.

Over time I have become disillusioned with romantic love. I love, love but I don’t think I love it how I used to. That frightens me. What alarms me most really is that when I close my eyes and picture my future there is no one standing beside me. I do not see him or his image. I told my best friend and she offered that indeed it may be difficult for me to imagine something I have never seen or had, a true love relationship. That disappointed me. Not that she had pointed out the challenges of my past and future to me but that I had realized in some ways I have already begun to accept the defeat of those challenges.

And I wonder if there is any freedom in that.