Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Something on Saturday

Today is Tuesday. All I can think about is Friday. Last week was long, the weekend was longer and this week I am busy as ever. Work all day, meetings and events each night. I always talk about how I have little time for me. I work hard and I’m typically overly involved in organizations and the like. I am currently active with several organizations and my fraternity. I hold an elected office in each. I try to give all these organizations equal shares of time. Is that the Libra in me trying to find balance? Or is that me not being realistic?

I complain about the long and late hours that I keep and how these external forces keep my busy and drained but I can’t seem to get away from them. A few months ago I had come to the point where I decided I was going to step away for a while and enjoy some me time. I was going to resign from the organization that requires the most out of me. I went to the meeting to resign and walked out Vice President. When I told my mother this of course she laughed. She said she knew I wasn’t going to walk away from that organization – or any other. I ask myself all the time – why do I do all the things I do? I have never come up with a real honest answer for myself.

Last spring my boss asked me, “what do you do for yourself?” We sat in silence for a few minutes. She wanted an answer that I couldn’t provide at the time. I think that I am doing better at doing things for me now than I was then but I think to a degree I am falling short. How do I know? Because when someone asks how are things going with me or what I have been up to – my response is really not about me. I rattle off reports of what’s going on at work and other professional and civic projects I’m involved with. That is not me personally.

I think this has probably hindered me from making some love connections too. I appear to be overly busy for some guys. Some people just assume I’m already seeing someone. Some guys don’t like my level of visibility or the fact I know a lot of folks (they stem from organizations I work with/and a big personality). One guy told me, “every time I see you, you have a group of people in your face.” Another described me as having a “fan club” at one event I was at. To those guys I said get over it! If people like me (and not everyone does) get over your insecurities and let me be.

But at the end of the day, I be by myself it seems. For all the organizations I work with, for all the contacts I make at work, for all the love I have for my fraternity brothers, for as many times as I talk to my mother, brother, sister and family back at home – at the end of the day I go home to an apartment with just me. That’s another entry within itself though.

So today is Tuesday. I am looking forward to Friday. After work I’m going to a theater production benefiting a local foundation that gives scholarships to high school students. Following the show I will go home, fall fast asleep and awake early Saturday morning and head to NYC. I am going to a party, I am going to go dance a bit and I am just going to do something for me.