Saturday, January 08, 2005

Oh no!

There are reasons that I have social policies and typically abide by basic rules of etiquette, so much so that my friends sometimes find it annoying. I do all of this in my eternal quest to be “just so.” Well, tonight I was reminded in no uncertain terms that I should not break from my typical rules and social policies. For years I have had a rule against eating bar-b-q ribs in public. When I go to restaurants with friends or dates and see ribs on the menu, or any heavy food for that matter, I always skip over it. Tonight against my better judgment I through caution into the wind. I was with Foxy, A-Queer and Thirty-Red. Foxy was in town to help Thirty-Red move into his new apartment. Great. Foxy had the big idea of going to a bar-b-que joint and ordering some huge platter for four. Great. I figured I’d be amongst close friends and I could eat what I want and not be concerned about getting messy. I was so right, but so wrong.

The food was good. There was a huge platter served to us that was more than enough to feed all four of us and quite possibly another person. I sucked the marrow out of the bone. It was all fine and dandy until all the food had been cleared away, the check had come and everyone loosened their belts. Suddenly, I felt a grumbling in my stomach. Oh no! I had a case of bubble guts. I excused myself from the table and went outside to get some fresh air and leave some bad air behind. I thought I was fine. I went back to the table and sat down. My party was still sitting their shooting the breeze. Oh no! My bubble guts were more serious than I initially thought. The worse case scenario was playing itself out. I had to go. Yes, I had to GO! I didn’t want to go but I knew that I was at least 30 minutes away from home and this was as my sisters say, “is a serious matter.”

I rushed to the bathroom. I did my bizness. I got up. I heard nothing. Oh no! It was one of those new toilets that flushes on its own and it wasn’t flushing. I panicked. I laughed. I panicked again. I washed my hands and tried to make a clean break. No one would know it was me. Think Again! I rushed back to the table to hurry my friends out the door. As I was telling them what transpired and they laughed at me I saw two small boys on their way to the bathroom. Oh no! I must save the children. I turned around and went back to the bathroom to hang out in the stall and keep them from it.

Meanwhile back on the ranch and unknown to me one of my friends was telling the waitress I broke the toilet. Oh no! I didn’t break it. It was already broken. Why didn’t the toilet have an emergency flush button anyway?

What do I do next? I decide to lock the stall door and slip under it and make my grand escape out the restroom. No one else would go into that stall again. Oh no! As I was making my way up under the stall and just as I was standing up on the “right” side of the stall the bathroom door swings open and it’s the manager. He saw me, I saw him. He walked out the bathroom quickly without saying a word and I followed his lead. I grabbed my coat and ran to the car stomping on the laughter of my friends. I won’t be eating there ever again and that’s not just because they now probably have a sign up saying that I’m not allowed to eat there either. As for eating heavy foods in public again – Oh no!