Monday, May 05, 2008

Not Enough

I don’t think that I will ever forget her words. When I heard them they made my body sink deeper in my seat as the meaning of the words sunk into brain. He told her that all he ever had in this world was himself and she said simply, ‘and that ain’t never gonna be enough.’ Damn. No matter what, something – that something even being his whole self, was never going to be enough. Never.

Tonight as I wrap up my evening I think about how miss Langston. It has been over a month since we last spoke and I can’t even recall the last time we spoke or saw each other and I could hear any inclination of his desire for me in his voice. Not only do I miss him, I miss hearing that little something in his voice that would from time to time give me hope that one day despite the geographical distance that he and I would one day be together.

It was me who decided that I’d stop reaching out to Langston. Stop sending emails. Stop forwarding articles. Stop sending text messages. Stop calling him. It was me that came to the conclusion that no matter how bad I wanted or maybe even subconsciously still, want to be with him that want alone, from only my end, would never be enough.

After many trials and errors, Aziza and I came up with two rules for dating. The first is ‘don’t want anyone that doesn’t want you.’ The second is ‘if he too wants you, you must both want the same thing.’

In the years that have gone by since I met Langston on that beautiful LA day, he and I have not been able to hop either of those two hurdles. After all that want and desire. After all that wishing and somersaulting.

For Langston, that ain’t never gonna be enough.