Friday, November 19, 2004

Man in the Mirror

Last night I looked in my bathroom mirror to see what others see when they look at me. I gazed in my own eyes for several minutes wondering why so often it seems like I am the only one that sees the real me, not some made up image, character or caricature –just the special man that I am.

Earlier in the evening one of my closest confidants said, “I saw the look on your face when….and I know you were thinking…..” I thought to myself, yes, he saw a look on my face, but what this person who thinks he knows me so well was thinking that I was thinking was totally wrong. Do people not get me, not know me, not understand me because I wear a mask? Of course that plays some role in all of this. I can’t think of a soul on Earth who at this point in my life I feel comfortable enough with that I can share and expose my total and complete self to. Thus, I continue to remain somewhat guarded, mastering the art ‘how to be’ but not always just being. I would deny to anyone that I am a fraud or a fake. I am who I am, just at arms length. One of my fraternity brothers told me it okay and that I can’t let everyone know all there is to know about you, my thoughts, feelings, life experiences, the things that would maybe create a more complete picture of who and why I am. I agree my most intimate self is not to be shared with everyone. I live in a world where it can’t be. Sometimes though I just wish someone else would see the same thing I see in my mirror.