Sunday, July 27, 2008

Truth is. . .

Things have changed and so have I.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Small Sweet Kisses

She knows the truth.

The thing about intense and deeply connected relationships is that often one party knows what the other party is thinking before he or she can say anything, or express that thought through action. Some circumstances present themselves and one party can react prior to there even being an action.

That is why I believe my wife knows that I am thinking of leaving her. Today wherever I turned, whenever she had the opportunity she sprinkled me with small gentle kisses. At the cleaners, on the bus, at work, during lunch, at the department store, on the train. She kissed my neck, my lips, my cheeks and my forehead. Wherever I went she kissed. Whatever I wanted to be kissed, she kissed.

No matter what people may think, it is in fact the smaller things in life that more often make me smile or tingle on the inside. She knows me well enough to know that and that is why she gave me so many gentle pecks today. She did what she did today to remind me why I first fell in love with her and to entice me to stay.

Her intuition is correct because while I haven’t said anything to her I am thinking about leaving her. More than I ever have. After many moons, several seasons and so many good times, this decision is weighing heavy on my mind. And I think it is going to take more than showers of small kisses to keep us together.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Day Five

My morning began a little after 7:00AM. There was nothing but me, a short prayer, a multi-flavor popsicle and an entertaining episode of Clifford the Big Red Dog on my local PBS station. I sat on my sofa wondering if I were to drink the last Smirnoff Ice in my fridge would my colleagues at work would notice any difference in my so called normal behavior. The sun hadn’t been up very long and it was hot already. The weatherman predicted that today the temperature would reach beyond 90 degrees and the infamous humidity of the District would take no prisoners.

This is how I would begin day five.

For the past five days I have been working to break cycles and improve myself for the better – or at least that is my hope.

Since Monday I have packed my lunch daily and only eaten meals I have prepared at home. I have not done this for a continuous week since sometime last year and I am really not sure if I did it for an entire week then. But this is the challenge and goal I have given myself. I noticed months ago that I spend what may be an unreasonable amount of money eating out and going out and using food and drink as socializing tools. While they are great tools, I must learn to lean on others in my arsenal for the sake of my wallet and my waist line.

This has been a big thing for me. I don’t like to cook and I am a huge fan of convenience. Yet, as someone once said, “I will sacrifice my wants of today in order to satisfy my needs of tomorrow.” In my case that means I can put more money toward my reserve fund as well as my upcoming trip to Paris. Currently the American dollar isn’t worth much over there and by the time I get there in November I doubt that much will have changed about that fact. To that end, I need to save every dollar I can. I also figure this will help me to stop eating so much of the wrong things.

Today also marks day five of my decision not to speak about my desire, want, pursuit or lack of a significant other unless otherwise asked or prompted to by the person I am speaking with. I have come to conclusion that talking about it hasn’t gotten me much further to changing that situation, good Lord my friends must be tired of me talking about it and perhaps most importantly and most selfishly – I am tired of talking about it, hearing about it, discussing it and dissecting. So I have decided to seal lips on the topic.

As another communication scholar and good friend of mine pointed out to me today, ceasing the conversation about it takes away power from it and at the same time empowers me. She also noted the Sapir-Whorf communication theory. The hypothesis postulates that a particular language's nature influences the habitual thought of its speakers: that different language patterns yield different patterns of thought.

The sun has gone down now and I am in my bedroom with the air conditioner on high. I have had the last Smirnoff Ice and will soon quench my thirst with a sex on the beach while imaging I really was on one. Before I know it I will be asleep and it will be day six.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

The Power of Prayer

As a little boy I thought that there was only one way to do it. After my bath my mother and I would kneel beside my bed and I would pray. It was very short, but it was my prayer. As I grew up I realized that prayer was more than something to do at the side of my bed at days end and more than blessing the food before we ate.

Developing from child to young man in the body and in the world I realized so also did my prayer. It continues to grow and develop and so does my understanding of this very powerful dialogue with God. It is more than just a saying to me; it is my most heartfelt conviction, that in fact prayer does change things.

I recall a hot summer day being on my knees in the floor, in the stifling heat, head bowed, body bent and calling out to God for strength. He answered.

I remember a cool autumn night underneath a clear sky, wind gently blowing against my face, praying that God would remove me from a place and situation that I didn’t know how to handle. He answered.

I remember a white winter day, I desperately wanted water. It wasn’t because I was thirsty, but because my family needed to be clean. He answered.

Moreover, there was the spring that I was too overwhelmed and I couldn’t pray to go on so others prayed for me. I kept on going. He answered.

In all seasons I know that he answers prayers.

Prayer is powerful, even phenomenal.

I grow and move about the world, I have noticed most recently that my prayers have moved from simply my lips and thoughts to my touch.

It is in my fingers now. Prayer has extended itself to my arms and body extensions.

First, just a few weeks ago with a stranger. I saw something in his eyes. I heard just a little of it in his voice. So before we departed ways we hugged and when we did I immediately began to pray on, for and over him. He will never know. But I know that God answers prayers. And I believe that man needed an answer.

Then it happened in the most remarkable way. While I had such a great time on my trip to Mississippi there is a single instance that I think stands out to me more than the others, and there were several significant ones.

But what I don’t think I will ever forget is when I hugged my young cousin goodbye. The heat from his hands on my back and mine on his was love. I rubbed his back and held him close. I know in that moment, God had embraced both of us. I prayed for him. I prayed for the both of us. I love my cousin and I know that God answers prayers.