Yesterday I found myself battling another of the seven deadly sins. It began the evening before and I don’t think the battle was over until late last night. It was hard fought and actually I think I only won out of default. Nevertheless, I claimed temporary victory. It doesn’t matter how one wins. It just matters that you win.
But Lust, she has her eyes on me and doesn’t want to lose sight. I know there is nothing wrong with a little lusting every now and then. My body just like anyone else’s longs to be touched, embraced, kissed, licked and swallowed. Yet I have been trying to examine the root of these longings case by case separating desires of the flesh from requested connections of the spirit. Things contrived out of flesh don’t last, nothing comes from them. That which comes from something, some bond that is deeper, the spirit lasts forever.
When I choose to follow my flesh in the moment I feel okay, but never fulfilled and after that moment is over I sometimes feel unclean. When I choose to share space with another based on spiritual connections I feel good, fulfilled and fresh. In all of my sexual encounters I have only really felt oh so good on two occasions. That alone causes me to analyze what I have done, who I have done it with and why.
Lust I imagine is like crack cocaine. Those who use it seek to fulfill their desires often for reasons beyond the practical and continue to need hits of it eternally chasing for that true fulfillment or at least the next high to keep the mind off of what led them to it in the first place.
Because of where I am and what I am trying to bed right now, I am fighting lust more and trying to give in less. I think it is best for me.
Lust knows this and it seems she has made a more aggressive effort to tempt me the past few weeks. At the same time something deeper has been reminding me of what could also be. Just as I was going to give in to flesh Tuesday evening – my mouth was opened to say yes – I got a text message that grounded me again and I spoke the words no. The Tuesday before that I had an experience I can’t even describe. It so reminded me of what goodness felt like.
So I will continue to think, to analyze and fight. Where I am in thought today may shift or it may not. My thoughts and beliefs can change. It is part of personal evolution. It is getting cold outside and I think this is just about to start heating up.